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3/23/2019 0 Comments

Some Other Time

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​Burn Your Busy “To Do” List 
 
Why is it that people equate being busy with being important?  They do, trust me.  Perhaps it is this idea that society places upon us that makes us believe that if I’m not busy, then I must not be doing enough.  Sometimes the “busy” excuse is used to get out of unwanted social invitations, but more often than not, people generally are busy because they operate under this insane notion that everything has to be done today and right now.
 
Unfortunately for our health, this epidemic of busyness leaves us feeling discontent, aggravated and unfulfilled. There needs to be a better way to be able to attend to life’s endless list of errands, work and family demands.  For those of you who find yourself constantly reciting the mantra, “I’m just too busy,” as a reply to something you’d rather be doing, well then it’s time to sit down, kick off your shoes, and prioritize.
 
Natural Cures for Busyitus
 
  1. Turn off the devices.  If you start sweating just thinking about that, then you are the one most in need.  Being connected 24-7 is a pretty new phenomenon in human evolution.  Unless of course, you are 20 or younger, then you have no sense of life before.  Think about how much time you could add to relaxing if you didn’t have to check emails, facebook posts, twitter feeds or news update apps.  Wow, I think you could probably add about two hours of relax and reflect time just by reducing the time you spend plugged into uploads and updates.  Trust me, turning the phone and/or the computer off will not affect the earth spinning on its axis, however it might just help you from spinning out of control.

  2. Be Present Now.  If you are busy finishing projects or errands, be completely present in what you are doing at that moment.  Do not let your brain wander off to the next task. By engaging fully in what is in front of you, you will reduce your stress and enhance the quality of your work.

  3. Prioritize. There are certain things that need to be done in a timely manner, but not everything.  Take the burden off yourself.  Don’t be an accomplish queen. 
 
  1. Routines Help. Turn the weekly chores into a system, so that they become automatic habits that you don’t have to think about.  Grocery shopping on Fridays, check.  Recyclables and laundry on Wednesdays, check.  Whatever the case, automatic helps you check off the routine weekly expectations without having to put too much thought into it.
 
  1. Sleep more. I have a friend, god bless her, who can actually get up at 4a.m. to go to the gym. She likes having the workout off her plate for the rest of the day.  Personally, I don’t want to do anything at 4am except pull the covers up tighter.  This tight schedule works for her, but we must resist the temptation to sacrifice sleep in order to get more done.  Do not wake up earlier or stay up later than needed to check emails for work, or to read the latest blog on the new super foods you need to eat once you hit 40. There is a reason it’s called beauty rest. Lose too much of it and you are going to start looking and feeling real ugly.
 
  1. Edit less. Unless you are working on the next great American novel, stop editing everything you do.  Be done and move on. If your kids eat and wear clean clothes to school each day, you may not need to analyze your housekeeping and parenting abilities any further.

  2. Pay Yourself First. Look at the week ahead and decide where is the free time.  Other than work, commuting, sleep, look at what the other hours hold. Discovering more free time is like finding money in the pocket of a jacket that’s been hanging in your closet for months. Pay yourself with those hours and don’t let external demands swallow them whole.
 
  1. Stand still. Action bias is an innate force that makes us want to do something even if it’s counterproductive. Give yourself permission to stop, stand still, look around and ponder your options.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your daily or weekly “to do” list, it’s time to create more balance in your life. Give yourself permission for an extra half hour of “me” time.  Your adrenal glands will thank you and the people around you will thank you because you won’t be so stressed out.
 
“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.”
-Erma Bombeck



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    ​Difficult Conversations and What You Need to Know
     
    You Talkin’ To Me?
    “We need to talk” is probably one of the most dreaded statements anybody, in any language, wants to hear.  It comes in all forms, whether it is the boss at work, the disgruntled family member, or the dreaded, “gee I thought this was going great,” six months into it,” relationship partner.  Conversation, in itself, is difficult enough but now with all the alternate ways that people communicate, face to face being the most archaic, it becomes even more important to understand the art of conversation.
     
    Wait, Wait, That’s Not What I Meant
    Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is often a misnomer.  How many times have you sent a text that you thought was quite hilarious, but the recipient, yeah, well, he or she did not have the same reaction and meaning was lost in cyber translation.  These days much of our communication is electronic and therefore stripped of the body language that is imperative when making an important point, or even when the mood is jovial.   Stating something in an imitation voice with some over the top gestures will definitely get your sarcastic take on the situation, across in person, however some typed words all alone on a screen…well, let’s just say that on the receiving end it doesn’t always sound as good as it does in your head when you are gleefully typing away.
     
    A 4-letter Word That Means Intercourse and Ends With The Letter K.
    TALK- You got it unless you are amongst the 99% of the population that decided on the acronym for Fornication Under Consent of the King.  Either way, talking or f#*&ing is communication of the highest form and even the most difficult in either case, should bring about some change.  Sometimes the most challenging and uncomfortable conversations, can in fact be the catalyst for some much needed important changes in your life.  Now don’t get me wrong, we all avoid these conversations as if they had a “stranger danger” sign wrapped around them, but the reality is that these conversations can lead to true transformation in both personal and professional arenas.
    Avoidance Will Kill Your Buzz.  
    Putting it off does not make it go away.  Instead it festers like a boil.  The anger and resentment that builds will eventually erupt into a pus filled volcano. Visually disgusting I hope, but hey, that’s the reality and it won’t be pretty.
    Find your courage. Start the conversation.
    Preparation is Key. 
    Just make sure you are not showing up with a laundry list of complaints.  Emphasize concerns, not petty annoyances.  Write down the most crucial points so that you can see for yourself what it is that you really need to discuss.  You may find after looking at your list, that some things are just not that important.  A little bit of time and analysis can save you a great deal of heartache.  
    What Do You Want From Me?
    You better actually know the answer to this question before you start the conversation. All human behavior is motivated by needs-know what your need is and you will be well on your way to knowing what outcome you hope you see.  If you don’t know what you hope to see happen by the end of the conversation, then perhaps it is not the right time to start one.  Know what you need, understand the change you want to see happen, and you will be on your way to having a conversation that might be difficult at first, but successful by the end.
     
    Silence and Rage-Hhhhhhmmmm
    One of my favorite movies, Midnight Run, with Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro, has one of my favorite lines.  “You know what your problem is? You have two forms of communication, silence and rage.”  To which DeNiro responds, “Fuck You” or something to that affect.  Whatever the case, Grodin hits the nail on the head when referring to DeNiro’s character’s inability to communicate his emotions in any healthy manner.
     Remain Silent Too Long – Yeah You Get Rage
     
    Difficult Conversations Are… Well Difficult
    Don’t run away from them though.  Keep telling yourself that once it is over, you will feel better. Don’t hide from the issues.  Face them head on.  It will be tough, but be assured that your relationships will benefit greatly when you learn to handle these conversations with grace and dignity.  Steer clear of DeNiro’s response and you might actually get somewhere, that somewhere being the other side of what you thought would be impossible to say, “face to face.”

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    Accepting Compliments

    Check yourself. 
    ​Someone says “hey your hair looks great.”  What’s your first response?  “Really, no, it’s actually dirty and I really need to get it cut.”  Or do you simply say “thank you.”  If you are the latter then you can stop reading now.  Compliments can make you feel good about yourself, or they can make you squirm.
    Why Compliments Are So Difficult To Take
    I have a dear friend, who no matter when or how I complicate her, she turns it into the negative.  I have learned to make her stop and take stock of what is coming out of her mouth.  It has almost become routine at this point but I am convinced that one of these days she is just going to say, “thank you.”
     But why are compliments so difficult for us to take?  I know that for me, it has taken most of my life before I have finally arrived at that place where I can just say thank you.  It’s not easy.  We are programmed to feel like we are bragging.  How could saying thank you be bragging?  I have found though, that the more women I work with, the more it is ingrained in the female psyche that accepting compliments is synonymous with being vain.  I’m pretty sure Carly Simon was talking about a man when she penned that song.
    Practice Giving Them
    Now don’t get me wrong.  Don’t leave your house with a backpack of bullshit compliments that you are going to hurl at the first dozen people you come across in the day.  If you stop for gas, don’t feel the need to compliment the person across the pump on the cool color of his or her car and certainly don’t feel the need to let the drive-thru Dunkin Donuts gal think that “she has a voice for radio.”  I mean if she genuinely does than go for it.  If not just pay, tip and go.
    Genuine complimenting, however, is not only good for the recipient, it is good for you as well.
    Giving compliments is one of the most effective ways to become more skillful at accepting them yourself.
    Use these strategies to give praise like a pro: 
    Be genuine.
    ​    Authenticity matters most.. If your intentions are honorable, people will usually welcome your sincerity and it doesn’t have to be about appearances.  Pick something specific.  Sure it’s nice to hear, “hey I think that color suits you” but how about, “You are one of those people who look amazing, no matter what.”  Wow, talk about making someone’s day. Think creatively. Your spouse might appreciate your compliments on a dinner, but how about getting nutty and comment on the fact that he/she goes out of the way to combine healthy with yummy.  Now that’s appreciation and an awesome compliment. Write it down. Kindness and praise last longer when you put it in writing. An unexpected card can often times be just what someone needs at that moment.  Never underestimate that power
     Assess your self-esteem.  If you would rather have a root canal than a compliment(god forbid in front of others) than it is time to check your self esteem. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect.  Make sure to surround yourself with people who are on your side and want the best for you.  
    Focus on the other person.  If you are having trouble being gracious, think about the person complimenting you.  That takes the pressure off.  Let them know that you appreciate the fact that he or she would take the time to be so kind. Whew, you did it!
    Relax your body. You might be one of those people who are hardwired to repel anything that makes you feel good about yourself.  You may actually feel a physical discomfort.  Work through it.  Make your face smile, whether you want to or not.  Don’t cringe. Look the person straight in the eye and say thank you.  The more you practice, the more it becomes habit.  
    Compliments and small gestures of kindness do wonders for the soul.  Brighten your own day, by complimenting someone.  It just feels good!
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